Mei Grows Tall

I feel bogged down tonight. The kind of night where it feels like everyone keeps stepping on each other’s toes.  There is so much weight on my back about school, planning stuff, picking a college, running errands, etc.  I felt so overloaded that i had to sit down with a clean notebook and write every bit I could remember “to-do”. I had to make columns and bullet points and enclose each task with ballpoint squares so they wouldn’t run all over the page. I find that my fuse gets short and capacity gets full so easily these days and cling to making lists, reminders on sticky notes, and re-organizing things constantly. I am only sane because I compartmentalize by default. I am only sane because I act insane.

I wonder what would happen if I just let go of things. Would life be so bad if I just pointed to college and went there? What if I just didn’t go? Do I need to stress about planning 3 or more events at once? I fantasize about a life where I never have to worry about supporting myself or being ambitious. I don’t have huge, running lists in my brain. I focus on decorating my house, crocheting scarves, painting, reading intensely, building a tree house, sewing dresses, sending crafty little mail to people, growing plants, traveling… whatever. Right now, I’m nearly anti-feminist. Instead of stretching myself 5 directions to be “successful”, I have an irrational urge to just live for nice things – marry someone to carry me and enjoy it.

This is not who I am. I’m just tired.