I got in a real music mood the other day, and I was thinking about my favorite songs, the friend CDs I have, and memories that go along with each one. I owe that all to Indecision 1 & 2, which spurred the whole thing, because that’s when I decided to pick songs that I love. I grabbed a notebook and listed songs that linger from past and present, listened to them, read the lyrics and wrote notes about why I cared about them. Many were for simplicity – songs that say what the mean without flowery cliches. I love simple, beautiful songs with lots of harmony and smoothness. Guitar, ukulele, box drums. It’s neat to realize an aspect of the music you really like.
I’ve mix CDs that my friends have made me. There is the Josh CDs, the Tia CDs, the Casey CDs, and a Brandon CD which sorta sucks, but he gets props for at least giving me one. ha. Right now I’ve been in Tia mode, listening to such coolies as the Artic Monkeys, Metro Station, and a couple Beatles songs for good measure. It sounds just like her. I’m very impatient for more of these to keep me nice and homesick in the fall, but now I’ve been thinking about the next great Meili CD. It needs a great name and cool cover art.
Last night I dreamed that my jaws were clenched tight – tighter than I’ve ever felt. I was scared because I couldn’t open my mouth, and then I heard my teeth break. I also had a typical DI dream where I don’t feel prepared. I remember that Ian, Cassie, and Tommy were on my team, but tommy had shaved his head bald and Ian was being gay and kissed another male teammate as a joke, but the appraisers saw! Weird. This dream was different , because we were outside a door saying lines and even though I didn’t know what was happening, I thought it was our real performance and the judges couldn’t hear us. Then we have to move inside and I realize we were just waiting, and now we have to do it again, except I REALLY don’t know what’s going on this time. DI is lovely, especially in my dreams.
A few nights ago, there was one were my cousin got a hair cut that looked exactly like her aunt’s rather large, short blonde bob. I thought she accidentally squirted hair gel on my head, so I tried to squeeze and peel it out. Then blood starts running down my face, and I realize that the goopy stuff isn’t hair gel, it’s my own scalp that I’m peeling off. What the heck?!
I don’t understand why my dreams have been more violent lately. Normally, I dreamed strange, off the wall things, but nothing where I’ve been afraid. Not since I was a little kid. I’ve also dreamed some highly personal situations, which have no place on the Internet. It’s hard to forget something and pretend you don’t care anymore, when your dreams are reeling it out for you to watch. Dreams don’t lie.
I feel awake for blogging now, even though it’s been a long while. Summer is my prime time for writing posts because I have more time to plot and less time to clutter my mind with trival matters. There also seems to be more adventure going on. The sort of random, small adventures that are the most beautiful to me. Dixon and England were brimming with random material. I enjoyed documenting those places the most, I think, because I was far away from home and these little love letters made me feel connected to everyone at home.
That mind set is okay, I suppose, but it makes for an awfully boring blog ten months out of the year. When I look back at this last dry spell, there was plenty of funny, random stuff that happened all year. Friendship days, lunch table stories, DI craziness, youth group adventures…that’s so much I could’ve posted on. What have I been doing for months?!
Anyway, I’m back in blogging mode. It feels good have open eyes again. I have a couple planned about Kentucky, the zoo, and what my art is doing this summer. I feel like talking about books or writing poems again. It makes me happy. Stay tuned?
I feel bogged down tonight. The kind of night where it feels like everyone keeps stepping on each other’s toes. There is so much weight on my back about school, planning stuff, picking a college, running errands, etc. I felt so overloaded that i had to sit down with a clean notebook and write every bit I could remember “to-do”. I had to make columns and bullet points and enclose each task with ballpoint squares so they wouldn’t run all over the page. I find that my fuse gets short and capacity gets full so easily these days and cling to making lists, reminders on sticky notes, and re-organizing things constantly. I am only sane because I compartmentalize by default. I am only sane because I act insane.
I wonder what would happen if I just let go of things. Would life be so bad if I just pointed to college and went there? What if I just didn’t go? Do I need to stress about planning 3 or more events at once? I fantasize about a life where I never have to worry about supporting myself or being ambitious. I don’t have huge, running lists in my brain. I focus on decorating my house, crocheting scarves, painting, reading intensely, building a tree house, sewing dresses, sending crafty little mail to people, growing plants, traveling… whatever. Right now, I’m nearly anti-feminist. Instead of stretching myself 5 directions to be “successful”, I have an irrational urge to just live for nice things – marry someone to carry me and enjoy it.
This is not who I am. I’m just tired.
“Dear Mei Li:
The Yale Admissions Committee has completed its evaluation of this year’s candidates, and I am genuinely sorry to say that we are not able to offer you a place in the class of 2013.”
That’s that. Time to make some decisions!
This locket was a gift from my cousin's Aunt Jackie for my 18th birthday. I really, really like it.
